I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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