Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
