You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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