dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
