is your mom at the bar?
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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