Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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