Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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