My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
