look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
be right there i have to get my cape
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
