I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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