He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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