Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
