I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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