I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
