Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
