Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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