I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
