it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
