gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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