my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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