I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
