My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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