There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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