Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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