I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
