I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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