dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
