Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
