im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
