No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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