My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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