i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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