I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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