Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
