if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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