pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
