It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
