ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
