you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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