Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize