Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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