you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
