i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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