I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
