i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
