he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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