If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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