I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
