The maid of honor just puked.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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