woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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